When the website of a wacky Christian outfit (www.ebiblefellowship.com) asks not to be sent further donations you rub your eyes in disbelief and take a second look. But there it is in black and white. Of course now that 21 May has come and gone they may need your cash again. But what did they have planned for 21 May that meant they no longer wanted your money?
It was the date of Judgement Day. After a massive earthquake all true believers in Jesus were carried up to heaven and the rest of you were sentenced to endure a final 153 days of “horror and chaos beyond description” before God ends the world on 21 October. Actually “horror and chaos beyond description” is pretty much what we’re used to under capitalism, but apparently it’s going to get even worse.
The date was worked out by the 89 year-old radio evangelist Harold Camping from California. This was his second attempt (he originally calculated that the world would end on 6 September 1994) but this time, he says, he is absolutely certain he has it right.
“God has given so much information in the Bible about this, and so many proofs, and so many signs, that we know it is absolutely going to happen without any question at all”.
However, in spite of the ‘proofs’ and ‘signs’ in the bible, and the mathematical genius of those who have calculated dozens of different doomsdays for us, the day of judgement has still not arrived. The ‘word of God’ doesn’t seem to be a very reliable document for prophesising the future. A few of the more interesting dates forecast for our demise so far have been :-
992AD. The arrival of the Antichrist was widely expected. In Germany a new sun rose in the north and 3 suns and 3 moons were seen fighting in the heavens.
1284. Pope Innocent III calculated this date out by adding 666 years to the date that Islam was founded.
Between 1669 and 1690 20,000 Russian believers burned themselves alive in an attempt to escape the Antichrist.
1809. Mary Bateman, a fortune teller, had a chicken which laid eggs with the date of Christ’s return inscribed on them. She was later hanged. (Not because of her unreliable chicken, but for poisoning a client).
1830. Another prophetess Margaret MacDonald announced that Robert Owen, the social reformer was the Antichrist.
1914, 1915, 1918, 1920, 1925, 1941, 1975 and 1994. Each were predicted in turn as the date of Armageddon by the Jehovah’s Witnesses.
1988. Edgar Whisenant a NASA scientist computed this date. (He of all people should have got it right. It’s not rocket science is it?)
1991. An Australian group worked out that Jesus would return via Sydney Harbour on 31 March 1991 at 9.00 AM.
21 December 2012. Having survived this doomsday, donations to the ebible fellowship can be made by credit card or paypal! PTL!*
Fortunately Isaac Newton calculated that doomsday would not occur until 2060. If we want a Socialist society we’ve got 48 years left to get it.
*Pass The Loot!
It was the date of Judgement Day. After a massive earthquake all true believers in Jesus were carried up to heaven and the rest of you were sentenced to endure a final 153 days of “horror and chaos beyond description” before God ends the world on 21 October. Actually “horror and chaos beyond description” is pretty much what we’re used to under capitalism, but apparently it’s going to get even worse.
The date was worked out by the 89 year-old radio evangelist Harold Camping from California. This was his second attempt (he originally calculated that the world would end on 6 September 1994) but this time, he says, he is absolutely certain he has it right.
“God has given so much information in the Bible about this, and so many proofs, and so many signs, that we know it is absolutely going to happen without any question at all”.
However, in spite of the ‘proofs’ and ‘signs’ in the bible, and the mathematical genius of those who have calculated dozens of different doomsdays for us, the day of judgement has still not arrived. The ‘word of God’ doesn’t seem to be a very reliable document for prophesising the future. A few of the more interesting dates forecast for our demise so far have been :-
992AD. The arrival of the Antichrist was widely expected. In Germany a new sun rose in the north and 3 suns and 3 moons were seen fighting in the heavens.
1284. Pope Innocent III calculated this date out by adding 666 years to the date that Islam was founded.
Between 1669 and 1690 20,000 Russian believers burned themselves alive in an attempt to escape the Antichrist.
1809. Mary Bateman, a fortune teller, had a chicken which laid eggs with the date of Christ’s return inscribed on them. She was later hanged. (Not because of her unreliable chicken, but for poisoning a client).
1830. Another prophetess Margaret MacDonald announced that Robert Owen, the social reformer was the Antichrist.
1914, 1915, 1918, 1920, 1925, 1941, 1975 and 1994. Each were predicted in turn as the date of Armageddon by the Jehovah’s Witnesses.
1988. Edgar Whisenant a NASA scientist computed this date. (He of all people should have got it right. It’s not rocket science is it?)
1991. An Australian group worked out that Jesus would return via Sydney Harbour on 31 March 1991 at 9.00 AM.
21 December 2012. Having survived this doomsday, donations to the ebible fellowship can be made by credit card or paypal! PTL!*
Fortunately Isaac Newton calculated that doomsday would not occur until 2060. If we want a Socialist society we’ve got 48 years left to get it.
*Pass The Loot!
No comments:
Post a Comment